The Metro Davidson Department of Health and Human Services announced today that all downtown skyscrapers will be immediately covered in prophylactics (until Monday morning) to prepare for the imminent arrival of the 80s rock band “Guns N Roses” this weekend.
“We always inform people that they should exercise careful decision-making and be prepared to use protection,” HHS representative Steven Harper told reporters today, “and that responsibility is just as incumbent on the city as it is on any individual. Granted, it’s true that this measure merely lowers risk factors and isn’t 100% guaranteed to protect downtown, but preventative efforts coupled with education are still a preferable alternative to nothing at all. Of course, the only absolutely certain way to protect completely against possible transmission is abstinence, but [the Guns N Roses concert] has been booked for months and Ticketmaster is stingy about refunds.”
At press time, Harper noted that the protection efforts were going well, if not altogether smoothly. “Some buildings were easy as pie. The Pinnacle building, TPAC, One Nashville Place, the Tennessee Tower, the Sheraton, those all got covered without a problem whatsoever. We’ve even managed to make the L&C Tower and the Fifth Third Building work, despite their awkward fit. There are only two that are really still giving us issues. For obvious reasons, the Batman Building is problematic to say the least; we’ve already ruined five giant rubbers in that effort and are no closer to decidng what to do about those antennae. Also, we’re still not entirely sure whether we should use a dental dam or female condom for the Roller Coaster statue.”