Unnamed sources within Governor Haslam’s staff confirmed today that they are under orders to deny entry into the Gubernatorial Doomsday Bunker for any individuals who are not already secured within. According to these same sources, Haslam has specifically mandated that the doors must not be opened, even to former Governor Phil Bredesen, who built the bunker during his own tenure in that office.
“It’s really heartbreaking; he’s been out there beating on the door since last night” explained one Haslam staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The wind has been howling and we can see trees bending over almost to the ground, but even over all that, we still hear [Bredesen] pounding on the steel door, screaming and pleading for us to let him in. More than a few of us have been crying. It feels inhumane, but the Governor told us that only death and the end of the world lay beyond that door, and ordered the security detail to shoot anyone who even approaches it.”
The Gubernatorial Doomsday Bunker, properly known as “Conservation Hall”, was formally dedicated in 2009, part of an overall renovation to the Tennessee Governor’s Mansion. The 14,000 sq. ft underground facility typically serves as a combination of meeting space, banquet hall, and art gallery; with a seating capacity of 160, it is typically used to host events such as galas and fundraisers which would be too large to feasibly host within the Mansion’s tight quarters. The project was lambasted throughout its construction by Republicans, and “Bredesen’s Bunker” was often referenced by conservative opponents as an example of reckless spending on the part of the former Democratic Governor.
However, throughout its existence, there has also been rampant conjecture that Conservation Hall might likely have been intended for greater purposes of Gubernatorial security during a crisis-level event, a scenario which seems to have come to fruition today as the world perishes in accordance with an unreliable Mayan prophecy.
“Once that storm rolled-in last night, security grabbed [Governor Haslam] and hustled him straight in here” noted another source. “You could tell they’d practiced this before. They knew this was coming. Of course, we all grabbed our stuff and followed along. Just as they were shutting the door, we saw Bredesen come dashing across the lawn. He knew what was up, what was coming, but he just couldn’t run fast enough. Phil’s been beating on the door non-stop since 9pm last night, but you can start to hear that he’s getting tired now. It’s kinda creepy.”
With the end of the world only hours away now, the unnamed sources said they felt it would be inappropriate to discuss political hot-button topics. “That’s not really what we’re worried about presently. At this point, it’s all about self-preservation. The Mayan Doomsday is here, so politics seem rather insignificant now. The Governor would simply like to comfort Tennesseans during this time of extinction-level calamity and assure voters that he still intends not to set-up a state-run healthcare exchange. We promise that the only thing to which the TN GOP is more opposed than the death of all human life in a fiery apocalypse is Obamacare.”
Meanwhile, eyewitness accounts report that Mayor Karl Dean and his staff “just flew off into the air, like they were birds or angels or aliens or something” early this morning. Moments before their mysterious liftoff, the Mayor’s office issued a brief, cryptic press release, which stated simply “So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
Bredesen photo found at http://www.memphisdailynews.com/editorial/Article.aspx?id=37513