Less than twenty-four hours after the Tennessee State Senate referred SB1108 to committee, effectively killing for this session a bill that would have made the Christian Holy Bible the official State Book, the entire Volunteer State has reportedly plummeted into a massive downward spiral of lawlessness and chaos. Some state and local law enforcement officials are struggling to cope with the shocking rise in morally subversive behaviors, while others have reportedly cast aside their badges and joined in the bacchanalian activities themselves.
“I had no idea it would be like this, and certainly not so quickly” noted an openly weeping Lawrence McPherson, a West Tennessee Senator who opposed SB1108. “Who would have thought that, without recognizing the Bible as the State Book of Tennessee, our residents would have no way of seeking any form of moral compass and devolve into such anarchy? To think that the very idea that it might one day be recognized in our state Blue Book alongside the [TN State Bird] Mockingbird and [TN State Flower] Iris was all that stood between the good people of Tennessee and caving in to the whispering allure of decadent sinfulness. What have we done?!”
On Wednesday, the State House of Representatives passed HB0615, and the passing of its companion bill in the Senate (SB1108) would have brought the Holy Bible one step closer to being listed amongst the ranks for Agate rocks (TN State Rock), Square Dancing (TN State Dance), Largemouth Bass (TN State Sport Fish), and the Ladybeetle (TN State Insect) as an official symbol of the Volunteer State. By voting to refer the bill back to the Senate Judiciary Committee, where concerns over the constitutionality of the measure can be further discussed, the bill effectively has little hope of coming to a vote this year. Immediately upon release of the vote to local news outlets, citizens proceeded to loot, riot, murder, and viciously folk dance across the state.
“I’ve never seen such horror in my life” remarked Lula Mae Bisby, a shop owner in Goodlettsville who spoke to the Rhinestone via phone. “It doesn’t surprise me, but it saddens and frightens me. The sex, the violence, the theft, the rooting for UT; it’s all a sign of the coming end times. I rushed into downtown to see if I could rescue my daughter and her family as soon as I heard, and now I’m stuck here in their condo in the Gulch, afraid to go out even into the hallway for fear of being stabbed or mugged or featured on a CMT reality show. I look out the window and see people drinking in the streets, policemen lighting fires in front of buildings, grown adults dancing naked on top of cars … doing all sorts of unspeakable things, and it’s not even Saturday night! These are the days they used to warn us about in Sunday School, and I’m just glad that my own Momma isn’t here to see it. If only they’d passed that bill.”
Local media have cautiously and sparingly sent only a few reporters into the field to cover the emerging chaos. WSMV’s Jeremy Finley began a live report from the corner of Broadway and 4th Ave, capturing terrifying video of Jack White and Brad Paisley wrestling for control of a lit torch, before himself being tackled and rendered unconscious by his Channel 4 co-worker Joe Dubin,who has since disappeared back into the rioting crowds.
While the citizens and police struggle with the growing wave of moral decay and panic, the State Book of Tennessee will remain “The Coonskin Cap Conundrum” by Alan Smithee, a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book centering around the adventures of Davy Crockett.
Ruined city image found at https://heavyshoe.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/oboimira_ru_201103162231484640.jpg