Centers for Disease Control warn of upcoming CMA outbreak in Nashville.

(I really feel I shouldn’t have to say this, but in light of someone recently taking another Rhinestone story seriously, and to avoid panicking anyone, I will here point out that this is NOT real, it was not issued by the CDC, and if you take this seriously, you’re obviously not reading close enough.  We good?  Cool.)

 

As in previous years, the Centers for Disease Control have issued a warning of a likely occurance of CMA in Nashville this June.  Please review the tips below on how to deal with this annual trial.

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The Centers for Disease Control has identified the city of Nashville, TN as an area with a high-probability of experiencing an outbreak of CMA (Countrimussic Aggravatus) during the month of June 2012.  This determination was reached following extensive study of area-weather over recent months, local environmental factors, and artists’ tour schedules.  The effects of a CMA outbreak will likely be far-reaching, potentially affecting thousands of Nashvillians.  It is essential for all Nashville residents to know how to avoid contracting CMA, and what to do if you become infected.  As a public service, the CDC has prepared this handy CMA-FAQWTF.

  • The most effective way to deal with CMA is to not encounter it.  In order to minimize your exposure to CMA, avoid large public gathering places where you might come into contact with a CMA carrier; such areas include the airport, LP Field, or most of downtown between I-40 and the Cumberland River.  These areas should be considered Ground Zero for CMA infestation, and entering them can lead to heightened stress, extreme aggravation, and poor traffic flow.

Not everyone will be able to avoid CMA.  If you find yourself having to cope with CMA in your life, here are some guidelines which can make the transition easier and safe:

  • Relieve sinus pressure by carrying earplugs with you at all times.  CMA sufferers frequently experience a high-pitched whining/twanging noise which can largely be remedied through the pressurization effects of blocking your ear canal.
  • Plan for longer drive-times.  CMA infestation frequently attracts large swarms of migratory pests, which can hamper visibility while driving or cause temporary road-obstructions at crosswalks.  Adjust your travel time accordingly.
  • Don’t engage-in-conversation with, or otherwise encourage, John Rich.  Just don’t.
  • It is considered rude to make jokes at Kenny Rogers about rotisserie chicken.
  • Referring to Mad TV is also unacceptable.  Discussion of the Gambler and jokes about TV specials with Dolly are safe topics.
  • If you are mistaken for a celebrity and asked for an autograph by a migratory pest, give it to them quickly and make your way to the nearest safe location to avoid further encounters/requests.
  • CMA cannot be treated, but outbreaks only last for four days, and generally occur only once a year.

 

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