TWRA Warns of Possible “Hot Chick” Overpopulation in Hillsboro

Photo from nashvilleurbanliving.com

Wednesday, The Tennessee Wildlife Resource Agency published their annual report on estimated game populations throughout the state for the coming year.  Among various findings and predictions, the TWRA noted that the Hillsboro Village area of Nashville might encounter the largest population of wild Tantalizingly-Dressed-Women (more commonly referred to as “Hot Chicks”) that the area has seen in decades.

“Initial data suggests at least a 75% increase in free-range Hot Chicks for the 2012 season”, noted TWRA spokesman Charles Parsons during a press conference.  “There are a number of factors that play into this estimate.  Game wardens take into consideration an anticipated hotter-than-usual summer to follow the current unseasonably-warm winter.  Combine that with lower-than-usual apartment rental prices and extensive markdowns at fashionable, yet slightly scandalous/edgy boutiques, and you find yourself with a perfect storm of Hot Chick overpopulation.”

Hillsboro Village has long been known as a migratory destination for Hot Chicks during the summer months.  “Such an area makes an ideal habitat for them” explained noted Anthrobiologist Gwendolyn Sikes during a symposium at Belmont University last summer.  “Within a quarter-mile, all of their essential survival needs can be met.  Shelter, water, sushi, coffee, art films, two prestigious universities with strong arts and medical programs; all of these are within a short walk, so extensive migration isn’t necessary.  Then there’s Posh and Pangaea being on opposite corners, and, I mean, come on… it’s like a godd**n beacon or catnip was set out for them.”

The last such overpopulation crisis Hillsboro Village faced was in 2008 when Belmont University opened Maple Hall, bringing 190 new freshman to live in the area; however, records going back as far as the early 1900’s indicate that the percentage of mind-numbingly, jaw-droppingly attractive/scantily-dressed women has always been disproportionately high.  Some credit Belmont’s history as (initially) an all-female college as the genesis of the area’s status as a Hot Chick hot-spot, while TWRA is quick to note that the heavily bohemian personality of the entire neighborhood is likely to attract a variety of wildlife, including Hipsters, Buskers, Hot Chicks, and Geeks.  In an effort to thin the Hot Chicks’ numbers, TWRA has traditionally taken counter-measures such as seeding the local sewers with stronger-smelling sewage and allowing the area’s homeless population to swell in comparable numbers.  While these methods have made Hot Chick herds of the past sufficiently uncomfortable enough to disperse, Parsons notes that, with such a large increase expected this season, more severe tactics may be needed.

“We’ve contacted Wildlife agents in Michigan to ask about having a number of wild Juggalo’s captured and introduced into the Village; if Michigan authorities agree to this plan, it might be successful in driving some of the excess Hot Chicks to outlying areas where they wouldn’t be as plentiful, like Antioch.”

For numerous reasons, TWRA fears that a massive spike in Hot Chick populations in a given area could lead to issues, especially in such a concentrated area as the Village where the indigenous population is already abnormally high year-round.  Wandering Hot Chicks, alone or in a pack, can serve as a distraction to drivers on the notoriously-crowded Belcourt Avenue, leading to increased collisions and injuries.  Furthermore, an increasing population would likely result in scarcer food sources.  “Frankly, there’s only so much Zumi and Fido to go around,” said Parsons, “and if the Hot Chicks take it all (as they would likely do), the Hipsters would be forced to forage at other food sources, which we all know they can’t afford.  They’d starve.”

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